Jokes & More
Some Adventures
These Will Put A Smile On Your Face
If not, keep looking, somewhere you will find something funny! [scroll them to the left to see them all]
Something For Christmas [scroll them to the left to see them all]
Some Things To Think About [scroll them to the left to see them all]
Here Are Some Signs You May Have Seen, Or Not [scroll to the left]
Next We Have Some Jokes
Several To Pick From
What does a doctor call a colonoscopy? An ANALysis
Why did the gastroenterologist choose this speciality? There was an opening.
What’s the difference between a waiter and a proctologist?
A proctologist only has to deal with one asshole at a time. How did the new vet screw up the pig’s colonoscopy? He’s pretty ham-fisted. A gastroenterologist walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’d offer you a booth, but I assume you want a stool.”
What happens when you forget to pay my colonoscopy bill? Now you’re in arrears. What is the difference between colonoscopy and endoscopy? The taste.
What do you call a bad Gastroenterologist? Shi_ for brains.
A man goes in for a colonoscopy… The doctor starts looking around and says “Wow, I can’t see shi_. I guess you can go.”
How do medical institutions attract people to the field of colonoscopy? “You like photography? I have a job you gotta love, kid.” When was the patient alarmed during colonoscopy? When it felt both of the doctor’s hands on his sides.
Have you heard of the golfer who opened a colonoscopy clinic? He does 18 holes a day.
What kind of doctor is Dr Pepper? A gastroenterologist.
After his colonoscopy, what did Dr Watson say to Sherlock Holmes? No shi_ Sherlock.
Why is a colonoscopy camera not state of the art? Because these pictures look like crap.
What happens when someone gives a really deep speech to convince you to go for a colonoscopy? Something touches you deep inside.
What do you think a colonoscopy costs? A butt load.
How do you know Gastroenteritis has hit the Olympics? All the sprinters have the runs.
How is the patient after the colonoscopy?He’s fine now but at the time it rectum!
What is the proper toast for someone drinking colonoscopy prep? Bottoms up!
I’m not saying my Proctologist has the fattest index finger I’ve ever seen. But it’s definitely up there.
What is the gastroenterologist’s favorite component of the computer? Keyboard, because it has the colon.
“How could I achieve a 300 on an exam with only 200 points?” David inquired. “Well, I gave you 100 points for a flawless engine disassembly,” the teacher said. “And additional 100 points for flawlessly resembling the engine.”“I’m thrilled with the results!” David burst out laughing. “How did i get the last 100 points?” “Well, I gave you the extra 100 points for doing the entire exam through the tailpipe,” the teacher said after a brief pause.
What do you do when you don’t have enough money to see a doctor? Go to the airport, mention Al Queda, and get a free x-ray, breast exam and colonoscopy.
I saw a poster advertising a competition for amateur auto-proctologists. So, I entered myself!
What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy? A Cameron Diaz.
What happens when you get your colonoscopy results? The doctor gives you two thumbs up!
What’s the worst thing if your best friend is a proctologist? With friends like him, who needs enemas!
What alarming thing did the doctor fin his patient’s colonoscopy exam? An alarm clock.
Why should you read poop jokes before having a colonoscopy? They are not the favorite kind of jokes, but they are a solid number two.
What should the correct term be for a colonoscopy? A colonoscopoo.
A Proctologist is giving an exam, and as he is nearing the end of the patient’s visit, he goes to write a prescription. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out, to his surprise, a rectal thermometer. He looks at it and, exclaims, “Damn it! Some asshole has my pen!”
Why did the man schedule for colonoscopy on the second date? Because on the first date, the woman told him that she is interested in inner beauty. Why is the proctologist constantly purchasing new TV remotes? Digging through the couch just feels like work.
Why couldn’t my friend pursue his dream of becoming a gastroenterologist? When it came time to apply for med school, he didn’t have the guts.
Why did Erica keep putting off scheduling her colonoscopy? She knew that she was going to get it in the end.
How do you know your boss is qualified as both a proctologist and a podiatrist?Because he’s always got his foot up someone’s ass.
“Normally they put them on the side of the road with a radar gun and make him write tickets.” I first met my wife in my gastroscopy clinic.
What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?Pokemon!
what???
And Now...
Time For Some Puns
If none of these will make you laugh, keep looking. There’s More.
Some More Jokes
Why do people offering UFO conspiracy theories don’t understand basic science?
If they did, they’d be offering UFO conspiracy hypotheses.
Did you hear about the husband’s first UFO experience this morning?
He walked into the kitchen and said to the missus, “Morning fat ass.” Next thing there were flying saucers coming at him from everywhere!
What do you call it when the Air Force tries to convince UFO witnesses they saw a natural phenomenon?
Swampgaslighting.
If you identify a UFO as a UFO.
Then it becomes an FO.
Unless it lands, and then it’s just an O.
Where do UFO deniers sleep?
Debunk bed.
Why are UFO pictures always blurry?
Because if they were clear, they would be IFO.
A man was out on a walk on a brisk night when he looked up to the stars and saw a flying saucer.
He couldn’t believe his eyes. A real flying saucer! He wasn’t sure if he should be afraid or excited so he found himself asking, “Are you a friend… or are UFO?”
What do you call a UFO that has been discovered?
AnIdentified Flying Object.
What’s the difference between UFOs and honest politicians?
It is possible that UFOs exist.
Why do UFOs love fields so much?
Guess they must be testing out their tractor beam!
Yo mama so stupid, she thought Starbucks was an alien currency.
What do aliens like to eat when they aren’t on a diet?
Unidentified frying objects.
The pope was hailed by friendly aliens when a UFO landed in the Vatican.
In the words of the Pope, “What an honor to have the first sign of foreign life in the Universe pays a visit to my humble abode. Now, let me tell you about our heavenly savior and king, Jesus Christ, who saved us all, and currently, we await his return to us.
The Alien Leader says, “Jesus Christ you say? Long hair, beard, always in white clothes, and is in his mid-thirties? Sure we know this guy.. great guy! Whenever he visits us he cures our sick, turns some water into wine (great laugh!), show us his walking-on-water-trick, and then we throw a great party and serve him pancakes. He pops up every 2 years or so. Anyway, what did you guys do?”
What do you call a female pilot?
A UFO.
Person 1: Hey! I see a UFO up there in the sky take a picture now!
Person 2: Wait, I have to get the worst camera I have.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind it’s over your head.
Did you hear about the University For Oceans (UFO)?
Heard that education is out of the world.
What nipple did the UFO crash land on?
Areola 51.
Where did the alien take the cowboy to go dancing? To the UFO Down.
Did you hear about the neighbor’s teenage daughter who is really into UFOs and aliens?
Which is cool because tomorrow she’s getting abducted.
What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFOs.
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, UFOs refused to enter the Earth’s atmosphere.
Is it cheaper to have a colonoscopy done by a doctor in his office or an alien in a UFO?
Aliens offer it for free for research purposes.
What do you call the superwoman wearing a mask?
UFO.
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
What do you call an alien spaceship that leaks water?
A crying saucer.
A family began hearing loud talks from beneath the ground in their property one day. They reasoned that the plumber who had done some work there the day before might have left a radio down there.
They sat and listened to the conversation before realizing it was largely about climate change and UFOs.
They contacted the plumber about his missing radio.
“Radio? I didn’t bring a radio. Oh, I see the problem. I installed a skeptic tank instead of a septic tank.”
Why do we call the aliens creating the pyramids a conspiracy theory?
It’s obviously a pyramid scheme.
What if aliens are responsible for global warming?
And this is just their way of breaking the ice.
Knock, knock!
(Who’s there?)
Alien.
(Alien who?)
Just how many aliens do you know?
How do aliens pay for their coffee?
With Starbucks.
What would you call a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship?
“Alien vs Predator.”
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet?
They looked at the reviews and it has just one star.
What do you call an Alien with three eyes?
Aliiien.
Did you hear about Chuck Norris being abducted by aliens?
The aliens were never seen again.
Aliens: We’ve come to destroy the Earth.
Greta: It’s a bit late,
Why are groups of alien spaceships sometimes called pods?
Because they come in peas.
How do you throw a party for an alien?
You have to plan-et.
How do aliens spell words?
They use the ALFabet.
Who among us are aliens on Earth?
ItAlians.
What do you call a baked alien playing Legend of Zelda?
A Highlien.
What kind of mayonnaise do aliens use?
Ayy lmayo.
What do you call an alien who was exiled from the Amish?
A Mar-shun
What do you call an alien that can’t control what he says?
An Extra-Tourette-striel. Where do aliens get their milk?
From the Milky Way.
What do Donald Trump and Lex Luthor have in common?
They hate illegal aliens.
Did you hear about those aliens that abduct cows?
They must be gamblers as they are always raising the steaks.
How can you get aliens to destroy their own kind?
Split them into groups and teach them different religions.
What do you give an angry Alien?
Some space.
What do you call an alien you can’t get rid of?
A Klingon.
The young alien didn’t understand why we call them “dad jokes.”
Until one day it became apparent.
How do you get to be friends with an alien?
Have a down to earth conversation with them.
Why were the aliens watching the cows?
They were on a steak-out.
What did the alien paramedic say when he first arrived on Earth?
“Take me to your bleeder.”
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
You rocket!
Did you hear about the boy who was abducted by aliens?
They made him wash his hands, clean his room, and eat his vegetables. Turns out he was on the mothership.
Where does an alien put his teacup?
On a flying saucer.
Why are Vulcans the most erotic alien species?
They’re always coming to conclusions.
What do you call a company that sells sex toys to aliens?
SpaceXXX.
Heard about an alien masturbating in a guy’s freezer?
The guy asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, “I cum in peas.”
Why are there no aliens sighted in Africa?
Cause all the people are men in black.
What do you call an alien in the attic?
Anne Frank if she was Mexican.
What did the alien say to the pitcher of water?
Take me to your liter.
What do you call a sick bird from Mars?
An ill eagle alien.
What do you call a shopping alien?
A Wal-Martian.
What is an alien’s favorite show?
“How I meteor mother,”
Where does alien visiting earth get their hair cut?
Hairea 51.
What’s it called when you have too many aliens?
Extraterrestrials.
How do you tie up an alien?
With an astroknot.
An astronaut is the first person to set foot on an alien world. The aliens are so ecstatic that they change all of their signs to English and even rename some of their places and landmarks after human places and landmarks.
The astronaut thinks that the first location he should visit is a tavern. He notices a neighboring alien and asks, “Where’s the pub?”
The alien replies with a gurgle, but his suit translates to the astronaut in real-time. “Just around the corner!” answers the alien.
The astronaut turns around and notices it! “The Keyboard,” it’s labeled, and he inquires of the bouncer, “Why is it called the Keyboard?”
“The boss likes all things human and changed his name to reflect that,” the bouncer responds, “ask him.
Why do aliens wear condoms?
They don’t want to get ayyds.
Did you hear that the Aliens are probably monitoring our media?
98% of the internet is porn. Maybe they’re not giving us anal probes. They’re just trying to speak our language.
What do you call an alien with three balls?
An extrateressticle.
How do redneck aliens abduct people?
Tractor beam.
What do you call an alien that’s also a pedophile?
An Extramolestrial.
Why do aliens avoid having sex in public?
They prefer to come in peace.
What do you call when a storm blew away one-fourth of your roof last night?
Oof.
What do clouds wear during a storm?
Thunderwear.
Why was the man worried about the trees in his garden considering the severity of the storm? Mostly because he didn’t have any before.
Why did the wife keep looking through the windows since the storm started? If it gets worse, the husband has to let her in.
What’s sexy about tropical storm warnings?
They cause premature evacuation.
During the storm, what happened to the man who grew a cucumber so large that he was able to turn it into his house?
Now he’s in a pickle.
Why shouldn’t you smoke weed during a thunderstorm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
What do you call thunder and lightning in a tea cup?
A storm brewing.
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
Brainstorms.
What do you call a leak in your room caused due to a storm?
It’s problem-attic.
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer.
How mad does the Earth get after people throw garbage at it?
Heats up and storms off.
What do you call someone who got arrested stealing concrete mix during a storm?
A hardened criminal.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecasted?
It’s the clam before the storm.
What do you call a sad storm?
A sigh-clone.
Did you hear about that new weather app that already has 100 million downloads?
It’s taking the nation by storm.
What do you call a bird flying in a storm wearing armor?
A knight in gale.
The captain realized his ship was sinking quickly as the storm raged.
“Does anyone here know how to pray?” he asked. One man took a step forward. “I know how to pray, Captain.”
“All right,” the captain said, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets.” We’re one short.”
Why was the man denied storm insurance for his campsite?
They said that if his tents get blown away, he won’t be covered.
What do you call a funnel-shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It’s mime blowing.
Why couldn’t the owl find love in a rain storm?
Too wet to woo.
Did you hear about the tornado chaser that lost all their camera when they got too close to the storm?
Their photos were uploaded to the cloud.
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
Did you hear about the king who was found dead after the storm? His rain was over.
What happens when a meteorologist gets angry?
They storm out.
What type of storm is always in a rush?
A Hurry-cane.
What do Jews do when there’s a heavy storm?
Wait for it to Passover.
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!